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 When I recently posted about A Parent's List of Standards, I received some wonderful comments that truly broadened the post. The contributions that parents shared were very helpful. My urge to write that post was to suggest that we might wish to have some way of gauging our children’s development towards graciousness (and excellence). But, I also received some thoughts that said it was fine to attempt a list like that, but how do we all accomplish those activities with our children?
A good question.
First on that list was having the ability (by 4) to put away the things our little ones use when they are finished with them (generally, without being told). We may want to think of this activity like the elements of a short story---having a beginning, a middle and an end.
In the beginning: during their crawling stage our children start moving their toys greater distances. They generally learn how to reach for an object, how to grasp, how to hold it and how to move with it. The moving of an object from one place to another is pleasurable to a child (and apparently to us). They get early adult reinforcement for this activity.
The middle: they spend a limited period of time using that toy to develop certain skills. After that period of time they abandon the object and move on to some other activity that generally involves touching, pulling, grasping and holding.
And in the end: we parents go behind them and pick up and put away whatever toys they have scattered about. Why? Generally, it’s easier for us to do it in the short run. BUT, in the long run it’s really harder for everyone.
Since the physical actions it takes a child (grasping, holding, moving) to pull out a toy are similar to putting it away, what’s missing? Simply, our showing our children that objects have a place. This is their introduction to organization. When we parents step in and put the toys away for them, we’re essentially skipping an important first step towards an understanding about the activity of organizing (we’re also being short sighted).
Alternative Mom mentioned the use of “catch phrases.” What’s missing from this process of taking out and putting away a toy is the verbal and physical direction necessary for our kids to understand how to begin to organize those toys. So, we may wish to add a verbal “catch phrase” like, “Let’s take out our toys now,” when our children begin to use an object. Have the toy in a specific place, not just laying around. Physically show the child how to go over to the object and take it out and bring it to another spot in the room.
Let your child “play.”
Then, when we see our child’s interest waning, say, “Let’s put these (or this) away now.” Show them how to grasp the toy, hold it and move it back to where it was first taken. Make sure the distance that they have to take the toy out and put it away is a relatively short one. We don’t want our kids getting frustrated because the distance is too great to manage.
They can have just as much fun putting away a toy as taking it out.
The process is similar with an older child (2-4) except now the child may have learned how not to put the toys away. There may be resistance. Not because the child is so defiant, but just like an adult, once they learn something it’s difficult to redirect that “habit.” It just might take a little more time and a little more patience.
But, we must physically walk them through the process and say the “catch phrases” without nagging and scolding and threatening. The nagging simply undermines what should be a positive process. It’s the parent who sees putting things away as tedious, not the child (at the start).
We must remember that by 3-4 years old, they have learned certain routines. If they’ve learned how not to put things away, then learning how to put them away will feel like a contradiction. We gave them time to learn how not to put their things away, let’s give them the time to learn how to put their toys away while they’re still young. NEXT: Is politeness important?
 all content The New Parent © 2007
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 Alternative Mom has a very interesting and heartfelt post up called “Being Gracious--start young.” I’m a big fan of the Alternative Mom’s blog and wanted to dovetail her thoughts into something I’ve been thinking about lately--what are the “guidelines” we parents use to gauge the development of our children?If we wish to have children that put forth grace into the world, we need some sense of what the standards might be, so we can gauge how our little ones are moving toward that goal.Now I want to say right up front that this is a work-in-progress, and I’ll need your input! We may not agree at first on the standards being presented, but if we can come up with a solid list to refer to, we’ll at least have a sense of where our children are relative to learning how to be gracious.That being said, what is a standard?Here I’m using the idea as a measure of attainment. If our children can do these things by age 4, then I believe they will have a better foundation to go into their peer group with skills that can lead them (and others around them) toward gracefulness. Now, I’m using the word “grace” as containing the ideas of a refinement of movement (kind words, thoughtful responses, etc.) and simple elegance (not quick to judge or demean, helpfulness, and the like).My thought is that if we have points of reference, we can better gauge if we’re giving our little ones those elements that form a solid foundation for the development of graciousness.OK, here goes:• having the ability (generally, without being told) to put away the things they use when they are finished with them;• basic level of politeness--generally being able to say: thank you; no thank you; excuse me; hello; may I; and I’m sorry;• ability to come when called the first time (not the second, third or fourth);• able to help with general family activities--setting the table, clean up, dressing themselves, etc.;• generally capable of sharing with parents (food, books, toys) and learning to share with other children;• capable of following directions with one and two steps. For example: put your t-shirt into the hamper and then take out fresh underpants; • knowing who’s in charge;• learning to listen and wait your turn.These are ones that I thought, if (generally) accomplished by about 4 years of age, would lay a wonderful foundation for group cooperation, a beginning sense of kindness and thoughtfulness, and point toward graciousness in the future.Now, I offer it up to you all!all content The New Parent © 2007
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