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 A couple of weeks ago, while at a picnic for my daughter’s school, the children were using the big slide. A group of about five little ones, crowded at the top, waiting for their turn to slide down. But, instead of waiting they all pushed their way onto the slide and slid down one behind the other. My daughter was one of them.As the first child in the row slowed because her rubber shoes gripped the slide, each child in turn bumped the one in front of them. My daughter’s head hit the back of the child in front of her, pushing her tooth into her lip. Needless to say, it hurt!My daughter looked over at me and began to cry.What I saw was that this group of little ones had not accomplished an important skill: knowing when to do something.Now, I’ve been working with my daughter to help her begin to understand that there are times to do certain things, but there are also times not to do certain things. If a child starts the process of learning when to do certain activities and when not to do other activities, it can help that child have greater self control. One of the ways in which we can guide them through this process is by setting up different scenarios and watching what they do, then correcting what needs to be corrected. I’ve found this approach superior to the “correct them verbally, after they make a mistake” approach. Also, setting up different scenarios can have a fun component, similar to roll playing.One scenario that’s helpful to the family is a morning one. When to get up, when to come into the parent’s room, when to make louder sounds and so forth. First give directions: when should they arise, when should they come into your room, etc.Then watch as they attempt to accomplish this. As they go through the process, help guide them with explanation--when activities are done at the wrong time, it can lead to an incompatible situation. In this scenario, the incompatibility comes form their urge to continue to be unaware of others around them. So, my little one will learn that when at the park and waiting to go down the slide with other children, the “when to do it” is after the child in front of you is finished sliding and is off the slide.For my daughter, it was a painful lesson.all content The New Parent © 2007
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 Recently one of my little one’s preschool teachers had a parent pass away. When the teacher wasn’t in class for a few days, she asked why. When told what had happened, she asked some questions and then let the topic go.Suddenly, a few days later, while riding with me in the car she asked, “Daddy, do we have any flowers in the house?”“I think so, what for, honey?” I inquired.“Well, I wanted to bring one to school for my teacher,” she answered.“Why is that, little girl?” I asked.“Because her father died, I wanted to bring her a flower,” she responded.“That’s such a sweet thing to do,” I said to her.“Thank you,” she replied.When we got home, we chose a flower and put it aside for the next morning.---------------------------------------The next morning, she got the flower to bring to her teacher. I realized that, though she had a nice thought, she didn’t have the language to present it appropriately.“Honey, here’s what you can say when you give the flower to your teacher--”I’m sorry for your loss,” I counseled.She repeated the phrase, smiled and off we went to the car.-----------------------------------------As we entered school, she waved to the administrator in the office and yelled, “Good morning!” Then while walking down the hallway to her classroom, she repeated the phrase--”I’m sorry for your loss.”As we got to the classroom, I knelt down and gave her a kiss, opened the door and let her in. Her teacher came walking over and said, “Hi, Lucy!”She stopped, looked at the teacher and said, “Good morning, I have a flower for you--I’m sorry for your loss.”The teacher knelt down and with a look of wonderment replied, “Thank you, that is such a nice thought Lucy, may I have a hug?”“Sure,” replied Lucy with a smile. Then, there was this perfect moment as teacher and student shared a hug.I smiled and slowly walked away. all content The New Parent © 2007
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 When I first started to approach teaching my daughter different skills and attitudes, I realized that there were at least three different “roads” to take. Each one plays an important role.Direct approachWe’re pretty familiar with this “road.” We tell or show our little ones how to do something and they follow direction. We tend to use tons of repetition on this road and if we’re not mindful, we can simply indoctrinate our little ones without leading them to early stages of understanding. When attempting to hone a skill (like listening to a request), we tend to take a direct approach to capturing their attention by using words (sometimes too often). We may also directly help them with how to listen by physically showing them the actual posture of listening to someone else.Indirect approachA “road” that can be more elusive to us. This is where we avoid using direct mention, exposition or postures to help guide them. Modeling a particular activity around our children without describing what we’re doing is indirect. Strewing (http://thenewparent.blogspot.com/2007/05/strewing-yup.html), where we leave something around for our little ones to find on their own is an indirect method.Mindfully teaching reading in a relaxed posture, in a serene room, can be an indirect way to initiate a little one into the attitude of being calm. From what I can see, some things can only be taught indirectly and we “instigate” conflict because we try a direct approach where an indirect one is more appropriate. Many aspects of attitude in our children seem to be “absorbed” through indirect learning.Catalytic approachThis is where a situation is set up and then we allow certain elements in that situation to spark our little ones to “find their own way.” In order for it to be a truly helpful learning experience, we have to be mindful of what we’re setting up and what we want them to learn. They should also be at a certain skill level, so they can accomplish the “goal.”An example of a catalytic learning experience was set up to help my daughter become more physically confident (and gain greater balance) at the playground--she resisted climbing all the “ladder” type structures (the curved ladder, the wavy ladder, the straight ladder, etc.). She would just stand and watch other children climb. One morning, at home, I decided to have her help me set up an “obstacle” course made out of two of her little desk chairs, one little bench, an adult chair, a cushioned chair and a step stool. All were spaced apart so she had to stretch her legs from chair to chair as she climbed across them.At first, she was hesitant. I walked her through it (direct approach). Then over months, she began to climb from chair to chair with glee. As I positioned the chairs farther apart and periodically made specific suggestions on what leg to use, her balance improved (indirect approach).I would take her to the playground with the most “ladders” and without saying a word I let her find her way. Occasionally, when she began to climb, she would call for assistance and I would simply help and walk away. Now she scrambles up the “ladders” like a pro.We tend to rely on the direct approach too much. In order for us to be effective “teachers,” we might need to have a balanced mix of all these approaches. We may wish to think through what it is they need to learn and then choose the approach(es) that will be beneficial. Sometimes, it may be our parental intuition that guides us towards a particular approach ... (wink).all content The New Parent © 2007
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 NO. UH, UH. NOPE. NAW. NAH. It’s interesting. Not only do we tend to use this word a lot, but because our little ones can pronounce it easily, we encourage its use--without any real thought--early on. Our young ones first words are generally “da” and “no” (please refer to post http://thenewparent.blogspot.com/2006/). But are all words equal?There’s a tendency on our part to treat words as if they are equal in their intent and power. “No” is a powerful word. It can stop the world for a child. The moment our little ones learn “no,” they have quite a bit of power. We’ve all experienced this (smile). Yet, it’s a power given without any responsibility. It’s a power we give to our children without thinking. After awhile we realize they’re using it frequently and, boy, does it get in the way of learning!The word “no” should be treated with respect. It’s an important word but we may wish to consider not teaching it until other skills are in place with our children. Once they can follow direction, understand who’s in charge and exhibit respect (say about 2 1/2 to 3 years old), then “no” can be integrated into their lexicon. In the meantime, we might want to consider teaching them how to say “yes.”Remember, “no” is a powerful word. It has its place, but there has to be a sense of how and when to use it. “No” indicates the opposite; disagreement, and contradiction. It stops information from being received. But we adults use the word “no” a lot. So how can we avoid teaching them a word that we use so much?In 5 More Loving Things to do with Our Kids I offered a suggestion, well, maybe a little challenge. I want to focus on that challenge for just a moment. Choose a day. Say to yourself, “Today, I’m going to make note of all the times I use the word “no.” Count all its variations, too. Jot down a tick mark on a scrap of paper every time you use “no” or one of its variants. At the same time, make another column and mark how many times you use the word “yes.”This will give us an indication of the task at hand.When I first realized that teaching “no” to my child as one of her first words was well, crazy, I also realized I had to teach myself self-control. For a period of about 2 years I explained this to friends and family and asked for their help around my daughter. They helped me.My daughter didn’t really learn the word “no” until she was going on 3 and then other skills were in place. She never had that word to use to inflame a tantrum or as a foundation for defiance. She learned “yes” first and has always been open to direction, and new information. When she uses defiance as a tool to assert what she’s been learning, it is easily mitigated by explanation. In other words, she is open to reason, sensitivity, agreement and appropriateness.OK, take the challenge and let me know what you find out. Let’s gauge our level of negativity by seeing how much we use “no.” Then let’s discuss how to transform this interesting dilemma.all content The New Parent © 2007
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 I’m continually impressed with how much our little ones are learning and how they can apply things they’ve learned.But, every once-in-a-while there are these moments that make me scratch my head in amazement. Recently, while visiting two friends with my daughter to use their bicycle pump to blow up her new hoppity ball, we had one of those instances.Right after saying our hellos, we settled into the living room to open the cardboard box that contained her new toy--a heavy-duty, multicolored, 18” hoppity ball. My friend handed me the bicycle pump and I took the end with the pin and inserted it into the ball’s air hole. Now, my daughter has never seen a bicycle pump or been around one at this point in her life, so, I set it alongside the sofa and proceeded to chat, thinking I’d show her how it works in a few minutes.As we were chatting my friend motioned, “Hey, she’s being pretty industrious!”We stopped chatting, turned to see what he was referring to and there was my little one pumping away with the bicycle pump. Now, for a brief moment it didn’t register with me. Then, I looked at my friends with a puzzled look and turned to my daughter and asked, “How did you know how to use that pump, honey?”She stopped pumping, walked over to us and said, “In my Laura and Mary books (Little House on the Prairie books for little ones).”Now these are books about a little girl growing up on the prairie. They don’t have any information about bicycle pumps! So I then proceeded to ask, “What in those books showed you how to use a bicycle pump?”She smiled at us and answered, “From churning, churning butter!”I remarked with a bit of surprise in my voice, “Churning butter?”“Churning is like this,” she giggled, bending her arms at the elbow, lifting them up and bringing her hands together in a flapping motion.“A bicycle pump is like this!” as she replicated the same motion on the pump.“They churn butter on Thursday like this,” she added as she repeated that flapping movement.She remembered from her books that churning butter (which we do so much of around our house--not!) was an up-and-down motion and when she approached the pump it seemed similar to her. So, she started making that flapping motion and pumping her hoppity ball. Amazing.all content The New Parent © 2007
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 Ok. Here we go (laugh) ... Let's ask the big question: What's the purpose of being a child? Why do we have a childhood?
When I asked a few parents I got answers like—to have fun, to play, to figure things out, to give parents a hard time, to make the time between birth and college as expensive as possible for parents ...So much follows from the way we answer this question and a large part of our attitude about how we raise our children stems from our “unconscious” answer. Remember, being uncertain is also an answer. It just means we’re ambiguous, and that will impact the attitude we have toward raising our kids.Now there may be many parts in the answer to this question. But one thing seems certain: we are children because we need to learn certain things before we become adults.If we don’t learn those things, then our adulthood is filled with uncertainty, struggle, immaturity and all those other problematic issues that plague our post-childhood years.So what are some of the things children need to learn?Well, from what I’ve observed, besides physical skills (like walking, eating, and drinking), they need to learn how to communicate, how to think, and how to feel. If we look at our kids as having 3 components—physical, emotional, intellectual—we might better understand how to approach their learning.At first, there are physical skills we need to help them with. Then as they start to learn language, we need to help them organize their intellectual abilities. Soon, they begin to show strong feelings toward things -- so we must help them organize those feelings, too.What I’ve started to understand is that one of our important roles is to help our kids learn how to organize. Now we may not generally think about it this way, but bear with me (smile).In order for us to help our kids be organized we need to know how to be organized. When our garage, tool shed or closets are in order, we go into them and find the right tool for the job. When they are in disarray, it takes “forever” to find something or we may simply use whatever is handy, even though it may be the wrong tool. We are similar to our tool sheds!When we want to do something physical, we try to choose the right way to do it. If it’s picking up something heavy--well, we bend our knees so we don’t over stress our backs, and we lift from the legs because they have larger, stronger muscles. When we are presented with thoughtful problems to solve, we try to focus on them by bringing to bear all that we know about dealing with that subject.But (and here’s the sticky part) when we are in emotional conflict, we usually flail around fighting and yelling. Why? From what I can see, we were not taught how to organize our emotional selves effectively. We grab whatever emotion we’ve been patterned to grab. There’s no organization there. The result? You tell me. A lot of conflict, perhaps?If one of the primary reasons we are children is to learn ... and learning is an organizational process ... then the areas we need to organize in our children are their physical, emotional, and intellectual well-being.So here’s another question: if we organize our kids’ physical side with play and sports ... and we organize their intellectual side with academics ... how do we organize their emotions?
 all content The New Parent © 2007
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