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 A couple of weeks ago, while at a picnic for my daughter’s school, the children were using the big slide. A group of about five little ones, crowded at the top, waiting for their turn to slide down. But, instead of waiting they all pushed their way onto the slide and slid down one behind the other. My daughter was one of them.As the first child in the row slowed because her rubber shoes gripped the slide, each child in turn bumped the one in front of them. My daughter’s head hit the back of the child in front of her, pushing her tooth into her lip. Needless to say, it hurt!My daughter looked over at me and began to cry.What I saw was that this group of little ones had not accomplished an important skill: knowing when to do something.Now, I’ve been working with my daughter to help her begin to understand that there are times to do certain things, but there are also times not to do certain things. If a child starts the process of learning when to do certain activities and when not to do other activities, it can help that child have greater self control. One of the ways in which we can guide them through this process is by setting up different scenarios and watching what they do, then correcting what needs to be corrected. I’ve found this approach superior to the “correct them verbally, after they make a mistake” approach. Also, setting up different scenarios can have a fun component, similar to roll playing.One scenario that’s helpful to the family is a morning one. When to get up, when to come into the parent’s room, when to make louder sounds and so forth. First give directions: when should they arise, when should they come into your room, etc.Then watch as they attempt to accomplish this. As they go through the process, help guide them with explanation--when activities are done at the wrong time, it can lead to an incompatible situation. In this scenario, the incompatibility comes form their urge to continue to be unaware of others around them. So, my little one will learn that when at the park and waiting to go down the slide with other children, the “when to do it” is after the child in front of you is finished sliding and is off the slide.For my daughter, it was a painful lesson.all content The New Parent © 2007
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 “You have to wait until those kids are finished,” said the mom to her 18- month old child.“I want go on dat!” shrieked the child.“You can’t; those kids are using it; once they’re done,” pleaded the mom as she pointed to the children riding on the swinging “doughnut.”Then her child exploded, “I want now, I want now, I want now!”Throwing himself down on the ground, he began to flail and scream as if terribly hurt. Other parents turned to look, and then -- realizing it was a kid acting out -- went back to their conversations.“If you don’t stop, you won’t get any ice cream later!” threatened the mom.Continuing his rant, the child added a flood of tears to the yelling.“OK, that’s it! We’re leaving this moment!” said the mom as a desperate last measure.After repeated threats, the mom swooped down and grabbed his arm, pulled him to his feet, and starting to leave, scolded him: “We’re leaving now, that’s what you get!”As she was dragging him along, a child on the swinging “doughnut” gave into the “pressure of the moment” and got off. The mom, seeing this, looked down at her child and said, “Oh, a child left.”Pulling his arm loose from his parent’s grip, the child immediately stopped resisting, and bounded over to the swing. The Mom took a deep breath and went back to chatting with a couple of the other parents. Amazing.This child knew if he resisted long and hard enough, his Mom would capitulate because Mom did not mean what she said. She used her words as verbal extensions of her frustration, hoping her child would cooperate. But her words had no meaning to her child. He’d been “taught” that his outbursts were an effective way to get what he desired. The Mom was uncertain how to handle his outbursts, so she resorted to threats and rebukes. From what I’ve observed, when a child outbursts or tantrums, pushing at the child with an equal force only continues the tantrum. If the parent (who is bigger and stronger) threatens bodily harm, the child may capitulate. But now you have a child who is fearful of the parent. Both measures are ineffective.We might better serve ourselves and our children by:• Learning the cues that set our kids off;• Understanding that when a child tantrums, our explosive response may be an imitation of them. We may simply be tantruming back at our kids;• Understanding that frustration is not a good lens by which to “see” a situation; • Immediately stopping ourselves and using calm as a more effective response;• Holding our child’s hands, making eye contact and calmly guiding them through the tumult;• Using certain limited words and sentences (that must be taught to our kids) which allow our children to know immediately that this is serious. For instance: using/teaching the words appropriate/inappropriate and developing a sentence like, “Is this an appropriate thing to do?” Teach them the proper response: “No;”• Giving them a hug. It may seem antithetical to our emotional state, but their budding emotions need to be rerouted at that moment. A hug may be helpful;• Understanding that threats don’t work. The child learns very quickly that they are empty words and that forces us to raise the threat level. Also, we should be guiding, not teaching the skill of making threats;• Removing our child from the situation and bringing them to another area (or room). Sitting them down and calmly looking at them. Wait. Once they begin to quiet, calmly speak to them.Lastly, we can’t use our words carelessly. We should desire to teach our little ones that words are a meaningful tool. We may wish to be mindful of how we use our words. Used appropriately, our words can guide our kids through their developing emotions. Used carelessly, they can be prompts that add greater conflict to our relationships.Do you mean what you say?all content The New Parent © 2007
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