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 A little while back I was a parent helper in my daughter’s kindergarten class.While I was there, I was interested in observing how much our little ones move in place while doing their schoolwork. Now, in my point of view, schools spend too much time on some things (repetition) and too little time on other things (learning how to be calm).What I noticed was that our children spend a lot of time tapping feet, pencils and erasers. Bouncing legs up-and-down, shifting in their seats, chewing on pencils, and being silly.Some of this extraneous movement may be necessary because their large muscles may simply be in one spot too long without the ability to exercise.But, what I also saw was the children’s general inability and lack of familiarity with calmness. In other words, having a beginning understanding of when to and how to be calm. Becoming familiar with the posture for calm might be helpful to our children so that more of their burgeoning capacity for attention can be used effectively.At this point while they are being jittery/silly, it seems they are not able to effectively “hear” the information being given, limiting their capacity to learn. This then requires the teacher (or parent) to repeat the information, sometimes having to scold the budding student, until they are pushed into a form of forced calm.It might be more helpful to our little ones to show them how to be calm in a variety of different situations, so that they learn that calm can be a useful tool at certain times. Using this tool may help our little ones absorb more of the information they will need.Some Postures for CalmHave your child stand in a still, relaxed position. Wait until they stop their jitteriness.Give this posture (or tool) a name—calm. Move them to another spot. Start chatting with them and ask them what tool might they use (along with listening)—give them the answer of calm.Do this, while having your child sit.Then, do this while having your child lie down.Don’t scold them with this, but use it with the understanding that improvement takes time.all content The New Parent © 2008
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 I was visiting friends a few days ago with my little one. Now their two children who can get pretty rambunctious. When the Mom wanted to focus them on a particular topic, she would say something like, “We’re going to do something exciting!” or “Isn’t that exciting!”Now, for some time I’ve been watching how excitement is used by us to try and focus our little ones on becoming interested in something. But, what is excitement? Why do we resort to that specific tool?From what I’m starting to understand, excitement is our way to encourage strong feelings (eagerness, enthusiasm) in our children. Much of the time we’re not mindful that we’re actually using the tool of excitement. It’s seen as a kind of “short cut” in our attempts to try and focus our little ones on a specific activity.But from what I can observe, the outcome tends towards over stimulation, loss of focus (the opposite of what we want) and a difficulty in transitioning from one activity to the next. In other words, it shifts a child away from: a calm state, learning how to take direction and listening effectively.So excitement and the language of excitement may not be the best tool for us to use when trying to direct our children’s attention. We may want to consider using calm and the language of calmness to direct our little ones.Many different cultures use excitement as a way to get attention. It’s not by accident that advertisers use excitement as an attention getting tool. Teachers many times use excitement to try and get a child interested in a subject.Excitement is a feeling that our kids “get” from the time they are babies. By using this tool to such a persistent degree, we may actually be working against what we are trying to accomplish--having our children transition without conflict, getting them to focus without scolding and helping them learn that most activities in life may require calm.So, I’m taking my daughter to the zoo tomorrow. She’s never been to this particular zoo. I didn’t start a week in advance “talking it up,” trying to build excitement. The day before, I will let her know that we are going to the zoo tomorrow. Why? Because the activity of going to the zoo is exciting in itself. She doesn’t need me to “sell” it to her. Like advertisers, we do tend to “sell” things to our kids by using excitement. But going to the zoo is stimulating by itself. All activities have their own level of stimulation.I think in our attempts to avoid conflict or confrontation, we sometimes mindlessly grab an emotional tool like excitement to “sell” what we want to our kids.We do have alternatives--lowering the emotional threshold so that calmness is perceived as viable; not starting an emotional buildup days (and sometimes weeks) in advance of an activity; allowing the specific activity to be stimulating in itself (without our need to arouse); avoiding asking our little ones persistently if something excites them; realizing we may be pushing excitement because we’ve learned to need a certain level of stimulation.So, I’m learning that excitement is a tool and like all tools it has a function. Maybe we’re all overusing it?all content The New Parent © 2007
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 How difficult is it to have our kids transition from jumping, running and screaming to going out of the house or to bed or mealtime with serenity? Sometimes, very difficult.Many parents that I chat with discuss the inability of their kids to transition gracefully without it turning into either conflict, scolding or repetitive verbal prompts as reminders.One of the culprits responsible for these graceless shifts is overstimulation.It seems brain development requires stimulation. A good strategy for effective stimulation is to stay ahead of our little one’s habituation—which is to say, as they become accustomed to certain toys, books, environments, lengths of activities, etc., we should consider varying them.But we adults tend to see many things in our own lives as boring or tedious, and this leads us to unconsciously seek greater stimulation (or pleasure, as we sometimes call it). Suddenly, without realizing it, we tend toward moments of overstimulation in our own lives ... and that tendency we then “share” with our little ones.We love to physically excite our kids even when it’s not necessary (especially before bedtime). Seeing them excited, excites us, which gives us pleasure. At times we might ask, "Does our pleasure necessarily benefit our kids?" Considering the ways we overstimulate our kids may help us develop strategies to compensate for our “need” to raise the stimulation quotient.What I’ve observed is that we tend to use verbalization as one way to overstimulate. Questions and statements such as, “Isn’t that exciting?” or, “That must be so exciting!” (repeated over and over) “force” our kids to seek excitement as a goal. It frames the topic (say, going to school) as needing excitement to meet the adult’s idea of satisfaction.A parent friend mentioned another area of overstimulation: environment. Too many things (toys, books, plush animals, dolls) on the scene. Too much created noise (TV on while trying to talk, music or talk radio in the background) will overstimulate and confuse our little ones. The child’s room that looks like a toy factory explosion -- where it’s difficult to find any one item -- can be overstimulating. A visit to Toys R Us can overexcite unnecessarily.Another area of overstimulation is one we may not think of too often---timing (at what moment we do an activity with our kids). It might be better to turn the TV off when mealtime is about to happen. It might be more productive to hold off on the physical play before sleep time. It might be a better transition to stop running around at least a half-hour before leaving the home, instead of suddenly yelling, “Let’s get ready to go!” From what I observe, overstimulation -- or raising the “entropy” level -- hinders our little ones from easily focusing on a given activity; adds confusion where it’s not necessary; impedes learning to sort through subtle cues in language and in the environment; and can restrict clear interaction with others.What I’m learning to remember is that our little ones are generally capable of telling us when they have become weary or disinterested in an activity. But their way of showing us that they are overstimulated is a little more arcane---they exhibit difficulty shifting to a more calm mode where they can focus on the next task.What signs do you see when your kids get overstimulated?all content The New Parent © 2007
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 One day, when my daughter was about 2 years old, we were at the market doing some grocery shopping when a Mom pulled next to us with her (what looked like) 3 year old son.The boy reached over to grab some produce and the Mom snapped, “Put that down!”The boy responded. “I don’t want to!”The Mom snapped again, “I said, put that down!”The boy, now gripping his “treasure” tighter, yelled, “No, no ... I want it!”The Mom angrily yanked the item out of his hands and tossed it back into the bin.The boy began to cry. The Mom swung the cart around in a huff and walked off.I stood there watching this exchange, trying to understand what was “really” happening. Not so much focusing on how the Mom might have worked with her child more effectively, but on what had transpired between them.Imitation. We tend to think of imitation as an activity that happens when children are first learning, and then at some point the tendency goes away. By the time we’re adults, we don’t think we’re imitating others very much (we call it inspiration, creativity, copying, innovation and other lofty words).But imitation appears to be one of the big, important tools given to us to learn as infants. But unless we somehow become very aware, that imitative tendency doesn’t quietly vanish. It seems to stay with us and we continue to use it.So in the above parent-child confrontation, what happened? Well, it appears that the Mom initially had some built-up tension. When the child picked up the item, she unconsciously released her tension on him. The child (who, since he was born has been “studying” his parents) felt the impact of that tension. He did what he knew how to do, which was, imitate his parent. He tensed up and answered the way his Mom had spoken to him--tersely, impolitely, aggressively.She then imitated his response ... and now they’re off and running, fueled by an inappropriate use of their energies; each imitating the other’s aggressiveness. The difference is that the adult can stop the back-and-forth by upping the aggression (she wins). The Mom moves on, stewing in her annoyances, and the boy does his stewing by crying. Imitation. It can be a powerful tool that we can use to guide our children to learning. But, from what I’ve observed, it can also be used unconsciously between parents and kids, and also between adults. So the next time our kids are defiant, we may choose instead to step back a moment and realize that we’re about to imitate their aggressive energy by yelling, scolding, or suddenly being annoyed. Maybe we should consider something else, like going calm inside, observing our little ones, and seeing what it is they really need at that moment. It could be comfort; possibly guidance on how to do something better; maybe quiet; or to be left alone until the mood slowly passes. Then we give them what they need without the imitative process triggering greater conflict.
Sometimes, might it be more productive to be less direct and more indirect (using calm, for example, when an aggressive situation flares up) and provide our little ones with an alternative way of dealing?
all content The New Parent © 2007
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