 One day, when my daughter was about 2 years old, we were at the market doing some grocery shopping when a Mom pulled next to us with her (what looked like) 3 year old son.The boy reached over to grab some produce and the Mom snapped, “Put that down!”The boy responded. “I don’t want to!”The Mom snapped again, “I said, put that down!”The boy, now gripping his “treasure” tighter, yelled, “No, no ... I want it!”The Mom angrily yanked the item out of his hands and tossed it back into the bin.The boy began to cry. The Mom swung the cart around in a huff and walked off.I stood there watching this exchange, trying to understand what was “really” happening. Not so much focusing on how the Mom might have worked with her child more effectively, but on what had transpired between them.Imitation. We tend to think of imitation as an activity that happens when children are first learning, and then at some point the tendency goes away. By the time we’re adults, we don’t think we’re imitating others very much (we call it inspiration, creativity, copying, innovation and other lofty words).But imitation appears to be one of the big, important tools given to us to learn as infants. But unless we somehow become very aware, that imitative tendency doesn’t quietly vanish. It seems to stay with us and we continue to use it.So in the above parent-child confrontation, what happened? Well, it appears that the Mom initially had some built-up tension. When the child picked up the item, she unconsciously released her tension on him. The child (who, since he was born has been “studying” his parents) felt the impact of that tension. He did what he knew how to do, which was, imitate his parent. He tensed up and answered the way his Mom had spoken to him--tersely, impolitely, aggressively.She then imitated his response ... and now they’re off and running, fueled by an inappropriate use of their energies; each imitating the other’s aggressiveness. The difference is that the adult can stop the back-and-forth by upping the aggression (she wins). The Mom moves on, stewing in her annoyances, and the boy does his stewing by crying. Imitation. It can be a powerful tool that we can use to guide our children to learning. But, from what I’ve observed, it can also be used unconsciously between parents and kids, and also between adults. So the next time our kids are defiant, we may choose instead to step back a moment and realize that we’re about to imitate their aggressive energy by yelling, scolding, or suddenly being annoyed. Maybe we should consider something else, like going calm inside, observing our little ones, and seeing what it is they really need at that moment. It could be comfort; possibly guidance on how to do something better; maybe quiet; or to be left alone until the mood slowly passes. Then we give them what they need without the imitative process triggering greater conflict.
Sometimes, might it be more productive to be less direct and more indirect (using calm, for example, when an aggressive situation flares up) and provide our little ones with an alternative way of dealing?
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