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 I just spent the last few days reading an interesting article on why children lie. The researchers concluded that parents teach them how to lie. From what I’ve observed, that’s just part of the story. Yes, I’ve seen that we do contribute to our kids learning how to lie, but their peers also play a very important role in that process. Some parents I’ve spoken with tell me that once their little ones are exposed to a peer group they pick up lying.I’ve watched my own daughter learn about lying from her peers.So, a more complete picture would be that our kids pick up lying from us and from their peers (also older siblings). I’m in the kitchen with my little one and we’re making lunch. She’s reaching for something while chatting and suddenly--boom--she knocks over parts of the sandwich onto the floor. I say, “Honey, let’s focus on what we’re doing.”She looks at me and says, “I didn’t do it.”Me with an incredulous, but curious look on my face, “Uh, who did it?”“The dog,” she counters.I then say, “Honey, tell me the facts--what happened?”She then says she knocked over the sandwich. Amazing.-------------------------------------------------------------------------What is lying?Well, one aspect is when we “intentionally” make a false statement or are deceptive. But another part of lying seems to be when we pretend to know things, but don’t really. The first part is pretty easy--what are the facts and do they contradict the deception.But the second kind of lying--imagining or pretending as if we know, when we really don’t have a clue--goes somewhat unnoticed. When we’re chatting with friends, business acquaintances, etc. we often act as if we know things---about God, science, psychology, children--and may even venture many opinions on things that we don’t understand or have not experienced at all.This is lying too. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Regarding the first form of lying: when our little ones answer our queries with unfactual statements, it may be best not to say, “Now tell me the truth!” or “That’s not the truth!” or “Why are you lying!” or, well, you get the point. It might be more helpful to ask them calmly, “Honey, let’s see what the facts are.” or “Honey, tell me what the facts were.” It may be counter productive to set up a struggle between the truth and lying at such a young age. Explain the different between fact and fiction--between pretending and describing the facts.Regarding the second form of lying: we may wish to consider modeling what we factually are familiar with and what information we simply don’t know. It may be helpful to show how we seek information when we don’t know or don’t understand. We might also try guiding their curiosity toward greater understanding and not toward simply saying, “I know how to do that.” or “I know that.” Sometimes, “I don’t know, but please help me understand more,” is a legitimate answer?all content The New Parent © 2007
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